It didn’t help that I had not slept well. My back was one big spasm all night, making it impossible to find a comfortable spot to sleep. I have bags beneath my eyes large enough to smuggle small children in.
Coffee. My dear husband brought me coffee before he left for work. I was grateful for that small cup of warm energy.
On my way to work I zoned out listening to the news of Sandy and her temper tantrum towards the East. My phone rang, BLOCKED, on the caller ID. I – do – not answer blocked or unavailable calls. I think that if someone wants to speak to me they best be ready to show who they are and not hide behind a blocking app. I silenced the phone and continued my drive.
A chime that a voice mail was left….really….that never happens from a blocked call. My interest is peaked.
I play the message and my heart drops slightly. The message is from an Officer G at the Police Department, he calls me by my previous name. My heart drops more. He says he is sorry to bother me but he has to ask me a few questions about a file he has from a few years back. My heart stops beating for a moment. My hands begin to shake slightly. My heart now starts beating in rapid anxiety.
I take a deep breath and return the call.
Me: Hello Officer G this is Mrs. H formally known as Mrs. Y
Office G : Hello Mrs. H I am so sorry to bother you. I’ve been assigned to clear out old case files that involved weapons. It seems as though we have some questions regarding a case you are linked with.
Me: (holy shit….this cannot really be about that….) Ok sir what can I help you with?
Officer G: Well ma’am, I’m really sorry to have to ask you this but I need to know who the weapon was registered to.
Me: Well, honestly I’m not sure. He had it since I had married him. So I’m assuming it was his. I don’t know, it could have been his dads but it had always been at our house so I’m sure it was his.
Officer G: Ma’am I’m real sorry about the situation, and I’m real sorry to have to bother you and bring this up, but I need to know if you would like the gun back.
Me: What? I never knew what happened to it to begin with. I mean, what would I do with it? Officer I really don’t know what I would do with the gun….I don’t have to take it back do I? I’d rather not see it, touch it, nothing. No. No I do not want it back.
Officer G: No ma’am you don’t have to take it back. We have to give you the option since it wasn’t part of a crime, we collected it as a safety precaution and to be sure it matched with the medical examiners report. Again ma’am I’m sorry to have to bring all this back up, I’m sure it’s hard for you to talk to me today. I can just mark that we spoke and set the gun to be destroyed. Thank you for your time ma’am, again I’m real sorry I had to call you today.
It’s not as though I have forgotten that day. It’s not as though I can push it out of my head, the day is always there, lingering in the background. Life has to move on, days have to continue to start and end and repeat. You have to bandage the pain, numb it down to a minimum and keep going.
Today….this one phone call that lasted all of two minutes….put me right back in that day 5.5 years ago. The bandage was ripped off what I thought was mostly healed. My day today has gone on as usual, I have to work. I have to be pleasant and professional. But really I just want to crawl in bed and have a good cry. Tomorrow will be better, because life goes on for some of us.